When I was in college, I thought I had it all figured out. Once I finally chose to become a librarian (it was quite a lengthy process getting to that epiphany, & believe me, there were many tears & much gnashing of teeth – there’s nothing quite like feeling without direction), I imagined a life of excitement & glamour. Living in the city, meeting the girls for drinks after work, fashionable clothes, high heels, travels to everywhere amazing. Art films, theatre packages, opening nights – anything you hear about the urban high life, I imagined it as a part of my future.
When that future came crashing down, & I realized that even if that could be my life it wouldn’t be until further into the future… well, it wasn’t pretty. I fell into a deep depression, lashed out at those I love, & withdrew from many of the things I love.
I wasn’t terribly fun to be around. I’ll never forget Thanksgiving that year, when I suddenly couldn’t deal with my own family & had to fight down odd fears just to make it down the hall. A few weeks later, I’d turn 25 & sob on the phone to my mom that I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I gained weight, slept horribly, & was obviously not handling anything at all well. Why Sam chose to stay with me, I’ll never really know – but I’m quite ecstastic he did.
Somehow, though, I made it through to the other side. I started journaling – just writing down my thoughts as they came, trying to get to the root of all my insecurities & unhappy bits. Eventually I accepted that hey, I’m still young, & I shouldn’t let a few not-so-great years kill my spirit. I started doing things that I loved once more, like cooking, playing in photoshop, & photography. I’ve found new things to love, like beading, pastels, blogging. I spend time with my parents, enjoying their company as we play yet another round of Monopoly. I rollerskate, hand in hand & round & round, with my lover & perfect match. I’ve started yet another blog, all about teen services – because I really do love my job, & honestly? I’m rather good at it.
& do you know what’s strange? That vision of myself, the one I used to have? It’s completely different, now. I want a simple life – a quiet existence. I really want nothing to do with the city; I’d rather grow much of my own food & have a very simple, utilitarian wardrobe of soft colors & comfortable shoes. I’d still like to travel, but if I never make it to all those exotic places? I don’t imagine that that equates a boring life.
It’s a completely different outlook that what I imagined just three years ago. I daresay I’m happier now than I’ve ever been before. & honestly, I don’t care all that much about where I end up. The future looks promising, & I’m looking forward to the journey.
